Stay alert, stay safe, stay alive! Part 2 of a previous post “The Aliens Are Coming To Get Us! ~ When Aliens Attack”
*Aliens may be hostile, particularly aliens invading the planet.
* Hang out with the type of people you think could survive an alien invasion: U.S. Marines, Israeli Police, Pakistani weapon smiths, etc.
* Be prepared. Have a plan. How are you going to find cover? Where’s the best place to get supplies when chaos and panic descend?
* Dress down, think functional. Avoid really bright colours. You just went through an apocalypse, people will think you’re a jerk if you dress too cheery.
* Get a dog—something smart and loyal, like a German Shepherd or a Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Things You’ll Need:
* A hostile alien force.
* Human ingenuity
So the planet’s under imminent threat of an Alien Invasion. How would the World react?
In the event of an alien attack a state of international emergency to be declared. Civilians to be rushed to safe areas. Find their (aliens)weaknesses. Discover what they invaded Earth for. Mobilize troops and launch counter-attacks when the time is right.
World: “We can haz peace?”
Russia: “Nuke ’em”
China: “Nuke ’em”
France: “Nuke ’em”
India: “Nuke ’em”
Pakistan: Nuke ’em”
Israel: “Nuke ’em”
North Korea: “Nuke ’em”
At this point it could be quite useful if if Iran DOES have nukes… no one is likely to mind too much
Iran: Nuke ‘em
As a newly recruited member of the resistance movement YOU may think being armed to the teeth with the toughest human weaponry you have been smart enough to loot will make an awesome defence. The aliens won’t. They won’t have any effect on the average alien whatsoever other than to make them REALLY uptight and irritable, ensuring that when they do get hold of you, you will suffer a seriously NASTY fate. So save your firepower for the next crazed human* (there will be plenty around for target practice – this is an apocalypse)
- Do hide the Lempsip
Any self-respecting invading alien race will be decimated by the common Earth cold. So sneeze, cough and splutter a lot and don’t tell them about the Lemsip and the Beecham’s Flu Plus etc. Hide it. On the downside, "Alien life forms wouldn’t come here only to be done in by our bacteria, unless they were related biochemically to humans. Bacteria would have to be able to interact with their biochemistry to be dangerous, and their ability to do that is far from a sure thing." ~Seth Shostak, senior astronomer at the SETI Institute in Mountain View, Calif.
Water is not good for aliens…in fact it is terminally bad for their well-being… so always be sure to leave plentiful supplies of half-drunk glasses of water lying around. Should this cause complaints a gusty yell of “LEAVE ME ALONE. I AM TRYING TO AVOID AN ALIEN ATTACK” will generally be very effective at silencing the inconvenient complainant.
- Do get drunk
Alcoholic pilot syndrome is an excellent way to save the human race from deadly alien attacks as you will lose any inhibitions you may otherwise have had about nobly plunging your plane straight into the epicentre of an invading, alien spacecraft. Well nobody ever said alcohol was good for you did they. But the human race will forgive your discrepancy on this occasion and hold you in very high esteem.
- Don’t pick the flowers
Don’t pick them and take them home. (You really shouldn’t do this anyway… it is very naughty besides that you probably found them in someone else’s garden and they’re not yours.) It could also lead to the obliteration of the human race. Whilst you are sleeping happily in the land of nod, there could well be zombies could be growing in plant pods preparing to replace the human they’ve cloned. So, don’t go to sleep –ever. You won’t have a good time.
If you a good, upstanding, arms bearing citizen of the USA it will naturally be a foregone conclusion and assumed by all that you have already been abducted by a variety of aliens on a number of occasions. Likely as not you were on a hunting expedition or two at the time of your abductions and whilst obviously no-one will believe a word of your abduction report this is perfectly normal and only to be expected. The safest bet is find yourself a really big city and go live in it. Right at the very heart of it. Be sure to have people around you at all times and never be alone again. And never ever go to sleep ever again. Just in case…
- Do be wary of children
If all the women you know suddenly become inexplicably pregnant all at the same time it is perfectly acceptable to become very, very scared. This will not be without reason.
- Don’t lose your cool
Aliens will have egos too. Probably even bigger ones than the average human’s. (Yes it is possible) Best not to have a screaming heeby jeeby panic attack should one jump out at you whilst you’re in the shower. This is not to be recommended at all and will only feed its alien ego. It is probably safe for you to assume that it intends to kill you and that it has no plans for making your demise a quick and clean one. So, pick up your jaw off the floor, go very quiet, (wide eyes are optional) and most importantly maintain a stiff upper lip (If you’re British you will already be very good at this) if not, now is the time to learn. Just for good measure present a look of totally unimpressed, unadulterated boredom and you should be absolutely fine. Hopefully.
Alternatively, assuming that it hasn’t already tried to kill you, you could give making friends with an alien a go — think fast – you must have something in common. Under no circumstances introduce it to anything remotely related to alien invasions, nuclear bomb blasts, wars…they might get the wrong impression.
(–Post Sources Via IEEE and *WikiHowls)